Well this is me officially trying ...... again.
I'm really hoping this can stick, even if no one reads this, at least it's somewhere to write that isn't Tumblr or restricted to 140 characters (seriously who came up with that!).
I guess the reason behind this has been the change in me, or rather the change I want to see in me. I have recently finished my second year of uni, and I have to say I have enjoyed the course and the social side of things but overall I don't feel this year has been a good one. The whole time has felt a little like a dead end, I never really felt "down" as such before, I mean I've had my moments of course, but in general no. However this year has been the exception.
I think the feeling of meh (yes that is a descriptive word in my vocabulary, deal.) started in college second year, the feeling of not really having friends that, get me isn't the right phrase, simply aren't into the same things as me, and don't appreciate the things that I do, to the same extent and that I can feel comfortable, completely myself around.
I came to uni and my best friend Sophie turned up and I have to say she was a god send, I am totally myself around her and we are so alike it scares even me a little. But even with her, there are certain things she doesn't get, it's hard to explain, things like music, and bands, to me they are a massive deal especially recently. I'm the same with her though and her love of books and authors, don't get me wrong we both like reading and music but we're just on different levels. Also the feeling of not really knowing who I am, I think I'm coming to grips with the idea that I don't have to be pigeon holed, but I think sometimes it might be nice (I know, I know this sounds strange but bare with me!). Am I the nerdy girl that doesn't wear make-up has baggy clothes and adores science and superheroes, the girly girl who likes pop music, current films and TV shows like Glee, Dr Who, McFly or as of this year the girl that likes pop-punk rock music, wears dark eye make-up and clothes, has her nose pierced and tattoos, spends her time on the internet, going to gigs and not fitting in? (see later description!)
Here's where the internet kicked in, thank Christ I mean it probably is a bad thing really but this year I have really associated with people online, I have found people that can I guess fangirl with me! I know a lot of people don't get that, but these people do, and it's amazing... they're amazing. I say it's a bad thing because I can spend so much time online just sifting through Tumblr and reblogging but it just feels good, like a release. I love music, but have no musical talent what so ever, I guess this is my one outlet. I think it's because of this that I feel a bit more ..... me?
As for the pigeon holing thing, this year my whole style has change, I actually got my nose pierced, I dyed my hair dark and now have blonde streaks at the front (modelled off Cassadee Pope, however looks nothing like hers ... well it wouldn't would it? I mean look at her! She's stunning!) I now listen to a hell of a lot more bands for example: We are the in crowd, Blink-182, The Cab, marianas trench, Hey Monday, yellowcard, NFG, Forever the sickest kids, the summer set and loads more. I have All Time Low to thank first off though, if not for them I would not have listened to the others because of suggestions from people I've met via the fanbase ... so thanks. Oh and also I REALLY want a tattoo now!
I mean guys I'm even going to the UK warped tour, granted it's nowhere near as good a line up as the American one, but hey better than nothing, also I'm going to see Mayday Parade soon as well. I never thought a year ago I'd be this person, I haven't changed that much in all honesty and I think a lack of people in my life that liked this stuff was the issue, I've always liked music but there was never anyone to show me the bands or how to appreciate it properly, now I've found them and it's brilliant!
This post was inspired by the first episode of a show called "Awkward" even the first number on the list 1. Stop being such a pussy really made me think "you know what I should stop being such a pussy!" I really don't know how long this enthusiasm will last but hell I'm going to roll with it while it's here.
So if you are still with me, thanks and what this unnecessarily long post is trying to say is, after a bit of a shitty year I think I'm getting kind of ok with myself .... at least maybe my confidence could improve and I'll feel more comfortable in myself obviously the self-deprecation will still occur I'm sure because I look like this! However I want to stop feeling like I should be embarrassed or hold back when I meet new people or am thrown into an unknown social situation especially one on one! So although not much has changed I feel like it's been enough to start liking me a bit more.
I'll try and write (by that I probably mean rant) soon.